What I'd Do

Alternate: I Suck at Poetry
It's unfortunate but very true.  My capabilities end at rhyming, which isn't even that important. Sooo yeah.  Just ignore all the little (and glaringly huge) mistakes.

I just close my eyes

Turn my back, ignore your cries.

Look away from your sad face

Cover up my heart's blank space

Keep everything I own

When you call just ignore the phone

I leave you in the gutter

Lying amidst your life's clutter

Don't wanna deal

Leave your wounds to heal

Too busy to bother with you

Don't wanna walk a day in your shoes

Give it up

Stop wasting my time

Roll the dice

Take a chance

I don't care about your life

Not gonna help you solve your strife

I'm too wrapped up in me

Can't you just see

That I just don't care

Just don't care

Screw me, I love you more than anything

Give up all I own just to bring

To bring you close to here

All my troubles disappear

Just want to pull you through

You don't know what I'd do

For you

One Short Page

Ah, so I decided to post a short story of sorts up here. But first I have to give all my disclaimer. ;)
First off, this isn't me. It is influenced by a lot of stuff happening now and recently, in my life, in my town, and in the world. I didn't edit it AT ALL, because I'm lazy. However I covered that up with the fact that it is a diary entry of sorts, and so it might not have been edited anyway.
Err. . . and so like, it doesn't make sense, and uhm. . .I really don't know if I even want to post this in the first place. >.< I wouldn't, but it's been so long since I've posted anything that I probably should.
Uhm. . .don't make any assumptions about me, 'tay? IT'S A STORY. Even if it is told first person.

One Small Page, narrated by Shannon

Maybe I can't do anything, maybe I'm useless. I haven't lived life for too long, I was never in the worst situation. My life is not standard, my troubles aren't great. But I've seen so much brokenness that it doesn't matter about size anymore. There is is much pain in the world, it doesn't matter if you have more or less than anyone else, what matters is that you have some.

My name is Shannon, nothing else needed. I'm 18, freshman in college. I don't know what I'm majoring in. Yesterday my best friend died from too much alcohol. I can barely feel anything. I haven't accepted it, I don't know if I ever will. I'm writing this in her memory, I want to keep it from ever happening to anyone else, to anyone I know or not, I don't even care.

Life is so short, I realize that now. I've never stopped to appreciate anything, and then it just fell apart all at once. Never feel alone, whoever you are. I believe someone loves you and really truly cares for you, no matter what you do. So don't feel pressured, don't listen to what people say. . . you don't need to do anything different to be valuable. They only say that for one reason. They want you to change to be like them in order to be worthwhile so that they feel like the way they are is the right way. Your way is right too. Maybe you have your faults, but you are valuable and beautiful despite that. I grew up in a circle of friends so different from each other it was hard to even comprehend them being together. Yet they were all so beautiful. The emo boy who felt alone after his father left him and his mother when he was six. The 'perfect' girl who struggled with anorexia for a long time before nearly dieing in a hospital. The average, smart, normal girl who was well liked who got raped at 15 and was never the same. I could go on. Not everyone has such serious problems, I sure don't. Sometimes I feel so alone, so isolated, sometimes I hate every bit of myself, but I am blessed. It doesn't matter if you are struggling with a seemingly never ending load of problems or if you are just feeling sad today. You are allowed to feel that way, but you are also allowed to change. Never feel pressured to stay the same way, never feel pressured to change, never feel pressured, pressure comes from people who simply want to make sure they are right.

Life can throw lemons at you. Everyone knows the expression “if life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I dislike that expression only because it is so overused, but at the same time it is true. Make lemonade, and share it with people. . . just in case they can't make their own lemonade. I don't believe everyone can. I've had lots of trouble with it myself. I wish I could have helped more people more.

What do you struggle with? I don't know. I don't know how large it is, I don't know how small. I don't know how long, how short. I don't know anything. But I do know that there is hope, in YOUR life. It's the hardest thing to ever see. It's harder to see than anything I've ever looked for. It doesn't look like you expect it to. It doesn't hide where you think it will. Don't count on something to show you where it is, because you are the only person who can find it and you will find it on your own in your own place.

I want to write a page, a single page, that can change something in the world. It doesn't have to be a big thing, it doesn't have to be a huge change. I just want to affect someone and make their life better. I want to prevent anyone else from going through pain like this, I want to keep you safe.

I loved her, my friend. I loved her more than I can possibly describe, and now that huge part of my heart is lost and confused. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced. . . and I never want for anyone else to experience it. Don't give them a reason to.

You're beautiful, you know? Maybe you won't believe these words – I don't really. But just imagine someone you love. . . they are true for that person, aren't they? And someone loves you.

If nobody else, I love you. I might not know you, but I care about you anyway.

Don't fall trap to lies people tell you, don't doubt yourself, you have power.

I can barely concentrate, I think this won't make sense. If you can even read it through the tears I've cried on it. But if the rest is illegible, just remember that you are beautiful.

I can't write any more tonight.

Memories and Association

A bit random, but that's what a blog is for, right? So the title is pretty descriptive of what I'll be writing about I suppose.

An example – when I was little I couldn't eat very fast, so one day at breakfast we were having bagels, and I only managed to finish one half before my dad started reading a chapter from. . . the gospel of John I think. I spread the cream cheese on my bagel while he was reading, claiming that since I was doing something it would help me remember the reading better. Obviously, it worked to some extent, seeing as I still remember that now. The goal was that whenever I spread cream cheese on my bagel, I'd remember the reading. I can't say that worked very well, but whenever I think about associating certain things with others, I think about that incident, which obviously means I associate association with a memory where I was trying to associate something with something else. How confusing is that?

I'm hoping you know what I'm talking about now, and if you do you can probably think of some examples of association you have. My brother talks with me about this sometimes, and he has some very random associations. It's really very interesting.

Another association I have is the song “Go Tell It on the Mountain.” I can't remember why, but for some reason I always associate this song with Bingo. It's not completely interchangeable – usually when I play Bingo I don't think of the song, but whenever I hear the song or start thinking about it, Bingo pops to mind. I honestly don't remember why I make this association, but most likely I played Bingo while listening to the song once or some such. Most associations seem to go back to a specific event.

I find this extremely interesting, but maybe that's just me. The fact that our minds will associate two seemingly unrelated things based on a single event is just astounding. I don't really know anything about how it actually works, but the fact that it DOES work is enough for me. 

As a science-fiction-something-of-a-fanatic, stuff like this gets me all excited. Imagine taking associations and using them to manipulate people, or uncover memories they have forgotten. So many possibilities. Or do the reverse, and MAKE new associations (which people already do, such as training dogs), for example raising an elite force of soldiers in such a way that they associate the colors of another army's uniform with something really bad, so they want to destroy it. Pretty rough concept, but you can get the general idea. 

On the uncovering old memories trail, I'm thinking about something similar to the movie Inception. If someone associates trains with . . .say, old buildings, put them to sleep on a train and make the dream some kind of run down building.  I don't know exactly how it would work, but that's why it's science FICTION, right? Although if you look at older science fiction many of the things have been invented - Isaac Asimov's book "Robots at Dawn" for example features a bathroom with all kinds of motion sensors, including on the faucet. If anyone reading this has not even once used a motion sensing faucet, something is wrong.  Ha ha, that was a long tangent.

Most associations I can think of that I have aren't really positive or negative, just general associations. However I'm sure I have some negative ones, and probably most people do. Since I'm terrified of spiders, and I found one in my bed once while reading the book "A Single Shard", I could associate that book with spiders, and never want to read it again.  Seeing as I quite like that book, I'm glad I haven't made the association yet. Being robbed in a Walmart parking lot could create a bad association with Walmart. There are really limitless possibilities. Eating a certain food while doing something, seeing something at a certain location, feeling something while doing something, it goes on and on.

Not sure what else to say, hehe. I guess it's not too bad for now. . . doesn't feel complete. Oh well, it's a blog, right? So I don't think it has to be professional quality or nice and long. Good thing too, because I can't write that well.

Genesis

Obligatory introduction post.
I don't know what, if anything, I'll write here, I don't know much about me either.  So this will be short.  I'll probably rant, post random story ideas or such (maybe even a whole story, but that's unlikely), reviews of something.  Pretty standard blog stuff.
The title comes from the song "Hold My Heart" by Christian rock band Tenth Avenue North.  Nothing overly special, I suppose, but I like the song.  The full section the lyrics are from is:
"One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart"
Something of a sad song I suppose, but I like sad songs, so there you are.
I'm a girl, I live, my life is relatively standard and uneventful, you probably don't really want to know about it.  And even if you do want to know about it, I most likely won't tell you, so you'll have to make do.
Although I honestly don't know who will read this, so you may already know everything about me.  There isn't much.
That's all I suppose.